I am recognizing, some six years after my Traumatic Brain Injury, just how much damage I sustained. I may be smarter than the average bear, but I live with people, not bears. My girlfriend, who I love immensely, also has some mental health issues. From her point of view, I have been a bear.
There are huge portions of my past that I either do not remember, or don’t believe my memories. Conflicting memories that range to the impossible. In fact, that’s the only way I can tell if a memory is false, when it’s impossible. Other stuff might have happened, could have happened, I am not always sure. Memories of who I was don’t always match who I am today, and I wonder if there is any reason to dwell on it. What difference does it make? I am here today, so I survived.
I find myself far more vulnerable than I remember ever feeling, which is in contrast with the world in which I am judged as manipulative. Janice is under the impression I have said things which I know for a fact I didn’t say. She interprets based on nothing I am aware of, if I say something she perceives as negative I am responsible for an entire diatribe (which never occurred) in which I told her to do something. Last night I commented that our wine glasses were different sizes and she immediately moved her glass away and said I had told her she drinks too much and should stop. I have enough of my brain left to know I did not say she drinks too much or that she should stop. That does not matter. She will forever remember last night as the night I berated her about drinking.
She shares a disability with my father; what she mishears she interprets as some nature of attack. We’ve spoken about it. and she is aware of it on an intellectual level, but she still considers everything I say lately as something other than it is. Often nothing has to be said for her to pass judgement on a conversation which did not take place. She believes I feel a certain way (for no reason), and then believes that I have made demands based on those feelings.
Recently she told me she is planning to leave, and laid out all of her reasons. I have to agree that if those reasons were true she should leave, but they are not. It does not matter, she believes they are true. Any attempt to inject reality into the conversation was seen as arguing. Lately I don’t have to say anything to be arguing.
For three years I have been troubled by her lack of understanding, and it never occurred to me to understand her. Simply saying “That’s not what I said” has been useless, She believes I have said these things and that is all that really matters. Did I ever take the time to understand why she misinterprets my words? No. She has been no more to blame than I.
I had hoped to try couples counseling, a third party would be more believable than I am in determining what I actually say. The possibility exists that I am insane and saying things I don’t remember. Her insurance has been less than helpful in providing therapy, only a few of the psychiatrists in our area accept it, those that do are not accepting new patients. She contacted Medicare to change insurance, and they placed her into one she did not choose which is worse than her original insurance. Immediate help is not available.
It is difficult to have confidence in anything. I am susceptible to believing I might not know what I thought I did, I can’t argue. It turns out I don’t have to, she can handle it on her own. I speak slowly, and if she interprets the first words of a sentence as negative, she jumps in and defends herself. When I try to tell her to let me finish a sentence before she decides what I have said nothing happens, she keeps arguing what was not said.
She walks away from all this feeling controlled. I ask her to spend time together and she angrily tells me we have been together. The fact that she was online and participating in a dozen different conversations at the time does not matter, her body was here. I tell her I don’t like some of her friends and she believes I don’t like any of her friends, and has an odd opinion about the friends she has that have been friendly to me, as if we’re conspiring against her. I ask her to limit her time on the internet and interact with me and she stays off the internet completely, sitting next to me sullenly. I understand that an element of her mental illness is an all or nothing approach, but she moderates several of her activities.
This hurts me deeply. In my opinion, she doesn’t want to be happy and resorts to sabotage if something is actually working. But she can’t see it, so mentioning it is just asking to argue. The woman I love does not know I love her.
She foresees a large settlement later in the year, and has planned on using that money to move out. This is something that sucks about being on fixed incomes, change is difficult. I had genuinely hoped that by the time she receives the settlement she will have seen that I am not the monster she has created, but now I don’t think so. More than likely we will coexist in an environment that she sees as hostile, with a lot of luck if I can avoid speaking it will avoid most arguments. She’ll get her settlement and leave, never appreciating the love I have for her.
I’m blaming a lot of this on my TBI, the lack of awareness of her side of the issues is not a trait I remember. But there is one I can’t let go of. I fix things. That’s what I believe I have always done, in one fashion or another. So I can’t just let go, I need to fix “us,” probably more than the need I feel to stay together. This is causing turmoil within me. I want to say “Sorry, I was awful, enjoy the rest of your life” but I find myself saying “Please don’t go. we can fix this.”
I have no choice but to remain hopeful, regardless of reality.
KBlakeCash 