No surprises

I usually enjoy surprises, but little that is happening surprises me.

Janice refuses to talk while acknowledging the problem is a lack of communication. When something happens because of her lack of communication, she demands that she is not responsible in any way. Thank God we sometimes have an audience that can see how she misinterprets damn well everything.

This morning I looked over to see what she was doing online. I wanted to talk with her but didn’t want to interrupt her. She was writing about how horrible I am. While sipping the coffee I had made for her.

I said “when you’re done I would like to talk.” She started flipping out about her not being able to do anything. Putting away her phone and turning off the TV. I said “what are you doing? I just wanted to know if we could talk later, I didn’t want to interrupt you.”

She insisted we talk then so I did. I said I thought we had had a good week, the only time anyone had raised their voice it had been her, we visited a friend together and cooked outside. Everything she wanted to do we did, everything she didn’t want we avoided. I didn’t understand why she was still seeing me as a monster.

After she finished yelling at me for looking over her shoulder (how else was I supposed to know if she was busy) although we both do all day, she said “then I’ll just leave” and got up to gather herself, with the confidence of someone who had a destination. I said some things about how she was indicating she had already made up her mind, and it hurt because she could bare her soul to FaceBook, but she wrote these things in a group of friends in which I am not included. She couldn’t tell me how she feels but she tells other people. I really think that means she has made up her mind, or is in a position where she thinks she hasn’t but can’t let go of her ideas that have proven to be untrue. Which will leave her no other option.

Earlier in the week she had told me that she trusts me, but not on FaceBook. Does this sound like something a fifty three year old woman would say? She spends all this time sharing her feelings, the thing I had asked for, but she refuses to let me see them.

She wonders why I think she has already decided. That is what makes her mad, that I think she’s already decided. She got back under the covers, I took a shower. After I was dressed I went to the bed to pick up some things. She woke, complaining about the silence. She was pissed off because I hadn’t bothered her.

I understand parts but not all of her paranoia. Some have at least roots in reality, others are patently insane.

She thinks if I know she’s leaving I will treat her differently. She wants me to believe she hasn’t decided, but after a week of going beyond her wishes she is still telling people horrible things about me. So I’ve made zero impression. She hasn’t even calmed down enough to just disparage me for real life instead of her overwhelming fear of the bogeyman she has created in her mind.

The irony is I would treat her differently. I would have more respect for her. Right now she is hiding her feelings from me, essentially lying to me. It’s just unpleasant to watch, her desperately trying to hide her thoughts while her actions display her intentions to everyone in Technicolor.

It is who she is. The borderline personality. I can understand that part of the why, how a universe in black and white makes a grey person the enemy on odd number cycles. I hate to give up because I believe she’ll flip back. She will most likely flip back and forth for the remainder of her life, I would hate to miss the times that are good.

Even though, when she flips back she won’t remember any of the things she did, so they can’t be help against her. I’ll know, and maybe next time be better prepared, but I can never bring it up.

The trick is surviving the times like this. She is so unhappy and uncomfortable and there is nothing I can do. Even if she was a stranger I would hate to see this happen to someone, routinely alienating her friends, feeling persecuted from all sides. In the old days, before the turn of the century (I’ve been looking forward to saying that), she would talk to her psychiatrist, but psychiatrists don’t talk to patients anymore. And psychologists can’t do anything if they don’t see you.

Coming off two years of various levels of quarantine, with the additional stress of a pandemic and a political rebellion, there are folks who are a bit messed up. So many that we can find no one who is accepting new patients, not at any hospital in the greater Philadelphia are. We’re not alone dealing with that. I suspect that there are a few other people living through scenarios much like mine. I always suspected that a surprising number of people were depressed, now I am seeing its affects. There are not enough psychologists to go around.

People say they fear judgment, but what they fear is being judged negatively, something they might have to be responsible for. Janice is one of those people, constantly on the defense, jumpy. I am not. I am responsible for me, not for what you think of me. This gives me a calmer perspective. When that great judgement in the sky eventually happens, I am confident. If I’m wrong there is nothing I can do about it.

I have found that people who fear judgement are often the most judgemental. It is routinely frustrating. There is no discussion; they know how things are because once they were once that way. They do not accept that changes happen over time, they know it so it is eternal.

I do believe that there is the possibility we will survive this, and I know that the factors which decide that are completely out of my control. She spends all this time online telling people how horrible I am for not letting her be online and fails to see the conflict. I can only hope this doesn’t last long.