Self Defense

One of the results of letting our language go is watching it being abused.

“My Body My Choice” is a phrase emphasizing body autonomy, the ability to care for and be the responsible party in life choices. It is used primarily by people protesting anti-abortionists, defining abortion as a choice of the pregnant person. It is used in many countries in many languages, always defining the right to control one’s body.

Recently, in a move that turns the stomachs of rational people, “My body my choice” has become the cry of the anti-vaxxers. The most disturbing example that comes to mind is a picture of my niece, who lives in Texas where women are forced to complete pregnancies, wearing a “My Body My Choice” button to express her defiance to vaccination and facial masks. There are a number of twists in the logic presented.

Another phrase that has been twisted to death is “Self Defense.” One reason that the phrase has become the opposite of what it originally meant is the growth of fear. Fear is rampant in society, it appears that everyone is afraid of something.

afraid, or inspiring fear?

Our current poster boy for self defense is Kyle Rittenhouse, a child of seventeen, who was supplied with a rifle that is illegal for him to possess and drove the twenty miles across the border to a riot in order to defend himself.

Kyle wanted to protect property, without knowing what property he was protecting or from whom. Kyle walked through the unrest with his rifle, and when he scared someone enough that they tried to stop him, he shot them to death. When arrested for killing two people and wounding another, his defense strategy was to claim he was defending himself.

That may be difficult for you to follow; it was for me. Despite a solid three reasons he should not be there, and the overriding fact that he traveled there with the sole intent of shooting someone, he claimed he was defending himself. He expanded the “Castle Doctrine” to include the public streets of a town in another state.

He was (#1) underage and defying the local curfew, (#2) carrying a loaded rifle in the midst of a riot, and (#3) not a resident of the city or even the state. But he was there to “protect.” By pointing a lethal weapon at people he determined were a danger with his seventeen years of experience. The most delightful turn of irony would be if the property he was protecting by killing residents was the home of an organization he opposed. “I put my life on the line to protect a dildo factory” over his picture would be a great t shirt.

Fear is not rational, and almost everyone has experienced fear. I have never gotten used to having a gun pointed at me, even in jest. Anthony Huber was frightened by Kyle waving his gun around and firing shots. His response in fear was to remove the weapon from the shooter. He wanted to remove the inspiration for the fear Kyle was imposing upon his neighborhood.

Kyle was afraid of people with guns, so in order to defend against that fear he shot and killed Anthony Huber.

Kyle’s attorneys were able to convince a jury of twelve cheeseheads that the only fear that was important in this case was the fear Kyle felt when confronted with the possibility that he would no longer be able to induce fear. In that second, as he pulled the trigger, Kyle was afraid. Afraid of a person he had scared. A person who would have had no interest in him had he not been firing a rifle.

It doesn’t take many steps to see the precedent being set. Simultaneously, a jury in Georgia is determining whether a white man with a shotgun who chased down a black man was acting in self defense when he killed the black man. If that case finds the white man absent of guilt, I fear the reaction. Would I be acting in self defense if I planted a bomb in the court house?

I still belong to second amendment groups, and the yokels calling Kyle’s case a victory scare the shit out of me. They are celebrating their perceived freedom to police any situation. They do not see the obvious flaws in the decision, or how faced with the prospect of armed “militia men” inflicting their version of safety might affect the attitudes towards firearm restrictions.

I have seen articles “debunking the myths” about Rittenhouse. The articles are based on the fact that he was found not guilty, and therefore did not do the things accused of. Not only were the murders self defense, he did not participate in them because he was found not guilty of the legal aspect of murder. Oddly enough, the victims did not applaud the verdict, they were still dead.

When I see language being twisted to make the indefensible acceptable, I feel sorrow. When words become meaningless, there is no purpose in conversation. Isolated and uninformed, fear does horrible things to societies.

Another lap around the Sun

1962, Dallas

Another birthday, my sixty-third. I believe I am comfortable, lacking desires.

I have this habit of checking my emails on my phone, before I get out of bed. I should stop doing that. This morning, an email from my dad, on my birthday, how nice.

Nope. My father recently told me he is distributing his property for his will. He also told me that as eldest child I had no reason to expect special treatment. The one item I wanted had already been promised to someone else. I thought of another, and asked for it in an email in which I said “someone always has their feelings hurt, looks like it’s my turn” and “you’ll probably outlive me anyway,” hoping to show that while I was hurt, it wasn’t the end of the world.

So this morning, my birthday, I see an email from him and think it might be a greeting. It was instead an explanation that he had already promised the item I chose to someone else, maybe I’d like his paintings? No happy birthday, no “I’m glad you’re okay with this.” Yes, I am disappointed. I don’t want any physical reminders of my father, especially not any “well, we couldn’t find anyone to take this.” I wanted things that brought pleasant memories, not that remind me of how distant we are. Those are the memories I would like to forget.

I will. I rarely remember sadness. I managed to make it to sixty three with very little greyness other than my beard.

The years have been, overall, kind. Certainly educational. I have been blessed with the people I have known. Many I have written about in this blog. My feelings have changed over time, sometimes I read things I wrote about and wonder how I came to those conclusions. I know Lieve thoroughly used and abused me, but I remember her fondly. The only person from my past that I am disappointed in is my first wife, who is still stoking her hatred thirty years after our divorce. Cyndi went on about the “Cash Fortune” and what she expected from my family long enough that people laughed in her face. I will never understand Samantha, but all my memories of her are pleasant.

I remember telling my father to spend my inheritance on himself, back when he was intent on sailing around the world. I will never forget who he was, and how under everything, he meant well. I never expected to inherit anything from him, so my disappointment now is contradictory, I can never know for sure but on one level it appears he is just dangling things I can’t have in front of me. He is who he is, and he is my father.

He did say he would like to see me, something we both know won’t happen. There is no way I’m going to fly to Texas and drive three hours to his house so his wife can berate me. I don’t mind so much when he goes out on a limb to find a way to insult me, but she is the poster girl for Westboro Baptist. His fourth wife, who he married forty something years ago. When I met Lieve he strongly disapproved, pointing out it would be my fourth marriage.

I sent back a short note telling him my memories are adequate, he can leave to me whatever he wishes. I think he must have some reason to focus on his mortality, so I would prefer he be comfortable. I’m not sure he understands that I don’t need to agree with everything he says in order to love him, or that such love erases the anger he tries to create. When I visited him with Emma, he decided to tell a story about my mother not considering me and my brother as “her” children after she had my sister. Emma was horrified, she couldn’t believe he had told such a mean spirited story. I just let it go. The memory I prefer is when he flew up here when I had cranial surgery.

2017, Elkins Park