There’s a lot of ranting in this one too
I wrote a blog entry the other day, you might have seen it. I listed a number of times and ways Janice has abused my trust. She demanded that I remove it because she felt threatened. I have never censored my work for any reason, but I did for her.
Nothing has changed, I don’t know if anything ever will. After kicking me out of the Upper Darby Pride project, she needs an hour or two as they ramp up to the festival a couple of times a week. It irritates me. She doesn’t want me on the project but she expects me to facilitate her activity. That and the fact she giggles when talking to them.
Her flirting has rarely annoyed me. I understand it is part of her persona, and the persona she is building as The Stunning Janice, Rock Star. It’s when she is flirting while doing something she didn’t want me around that I get that burning sensation.
She will say that I don’t want her to do anything, yet we do things all the time. She doesn’t want to do anything with me. Every layer of this I look at fails to make me question my need for her. I saw the beautiful woman she can be, I want that woman in my life.
So she left the project that she kicked me out of, and it’s my fault. I see how she twists it now. I believe that on some level she is terrified, in an irrational state of panic. If you frame everything with that, it makes sense.
What doesn’t make sense is how you would never know, she shows no outward signs.
The solutions are obvious, the path of least resistance is to go our separate ways. I accept that, and the consequences. It would be ever so miraculous if she could suddenly see clearly, but that does not appear to be in the cards.
So you may find this depressing but I find it to simply “be,” there is nothing I can do about any of this. Any type of “read” or impression of where it’s going can only extend to the moment, talking about what led us here is “rehashing the past.” If I ask anything I am rushing her, her panic is to the point that mentioning something we were going to do later is interpreted as a command to do it immediately.
Any therapy or counseling is impossible, because no one is taking new patients (I think that says a lot about the state of mental health in the community). Not that I fully believe it would be of help. She has already characterized my desire to see a counselor as “an opportunity to prove her wrong.” Just like everyone she can’t see how her combative approach prevents self examination.
I don’t think I’d mind too much if a counselor told us that I was delusional and all of the things Janice assumes about me are true, and that my anger has turned the responsibility to Janice, exactly the way I think she has. Because assigning blame is not a part of therapy, learning and moving past it is.
Another of her “longtime friends” spurned her today. She had an old friend who just couldn’t be friends with her if she lives with me. Maybe she noticed Janice has once again unblocked me. I must have “liked” something to alert her to my presence.
If I tell her I don’t like her friends I’m controlling her, but if her friends tell her who she can live with, they’re not. If her friends can’t “support” her while she complains about how terrible I am, it’s my fault. Everything is my fault.
Now she says we can’t go anywhere anytime, because she’ll be humiliated. She is concerned about her judgemental friends, they might see us together. You know, there has been a dark ages feel to all of this, she feels “shunned.”
She feels. She thinks. She says. Within her reality she’s right. She’s always right. Why would she venture into the real world?
In her “humiliation,” she went through another social media withdrawal, saying she was “choking on the ashes of burnt bridges.” She cannot understand you’re supposed to cross the bridge before you burn it. Angrier than ever that I “made her leave her friends” she is not speaking. Not quite the punishment she had imagined.
I feel so bad for her sometimes, she beats herself up then blames me for the bruises. I wish there was a way to go our ways now, she could find whether the source of her pain is me or something else.
I can ride it out, or. . . ? There is no second choice, and I know what will happen if she leaves. I’m not precisely sure what this mindset is called, probably seen as negative, waiting for the inevitable end, unable to change anything about it. Largely I’m at peace, occasionally exasperated, but I’m not even supposed to be alive, this is just the dried up remains of the gravy, the adventures after Emma.
Now her friend is going to visit, she will be staying at a hotel up the street and will pick Janice up. Forget that we had plans, her friends can’t even come to our home. I’m not supposed to be insulted by this or anything. Maybe she’ll be back in time on Friday to go to the Greek Festival across the street with me. Or maybe she’ll go with her friend before she comes home. How am I supposed to interact with this “friend”? “I’m sorry I’m so frightening that you couldn’t step in our house, see ya next time!”
Things are happening too fast for something that was supposed to be months from now. This is turning into a blow by blow as it happens
You may see this deleted if she reacts to it the way she did the last blog. It just can’t go unsaid, I feel the need to give explanations, even when they are forbidden for me.
KBlakeCash 