Happy New Year. I am much happier today than I was one year ago, waking in the hospital with what must have been a wonderful assortment of drugs. I do not recall pain in my elbow, but it was still a few days until I realized I no longer had an elbow. It must have hurt, previous experience suggests morphine would have eliminated pain without clouding my memory, although the brain injury should have clouded my memory.
Today, that rebuilt contraption functions better than any of the doctors and therapists expected, better than most of them thought possible, better than any of them were capable of doing themselves. That is one of my triumphs, something I am proud of even though I had little to do with it.
It appeared, to everyone, that an inordinate number of performers died in 2016. David Bowie died on the day I started writing again. It is difficult to remember, I can’t remember writing, but the article exists and is accurate and not horribly written. The brain injury was apparently not clouding my memory at that point. I could only have been typing with my left hand, I remember frustration with using the mouse left handed, and I remember the initial reports on the internet. I remember Sam being there, and saying to her “I think Bowie died.” This is how my memory works now, bits and pieces. From what I have been told, my brain may take another couple of years to heal, perhaps I will have rich, full memories again. They still exist for some moments of the past, not as many as before, but none in the past year.
They tell me I will continue to get better, and that progress will not be linear. My goal, which I believe I have achieved, is to accept this. I no longer judge myself against two years ago, I judge myself against two months ago. I don’t always see the improvements, but people around me do. As many reminders I receive that TBI is an “Invisible injury,” I like to believe what others see as improvements.
There have been some disappointments, but I am certain I am not the only one to have been disappointed. I like to think I have become accepting and tolerant, and in reality one cannot be tolerant unless they are aware of what they are tolerant of. The election cycle appears to have been far more divisive than previous elections. I have friends who stepped away from social media altogether, many of whom have stated “All my friends became monsters.” I have seen a failure of civility, related to but not a part of the election. The route to proving one’s point has somehow degraded to insulting the opponent’s intelligence. It hurts a bit when you’re recovering from TBI, but it has been a learning experience, both in illuminating the character of people who claim my opinions are due to my brain injury, sometimes in crude and derogatory terms; and in learning not to argue with people who have no interest in reality. I am trying to open my own mind, I do not have the energy to open others.
I have not been as irritable as it appears is common in people with brain injuries, I have become more frugal with the energy I am willing to expend. It is fascinating to discover how much energy it takes to do nothing, I find myself exhausted after completing one or two simple tasks in a day. I shy away from meanness and anger, so perhaps I am more sensitive to it. People rarely feel they are cruel, telling them so makes them angry, so I have had to simply avoid some dear friends and family. This should tell me something about my former self, I have yet to figure out what I have learned. In some cases I wonder why I ever put up with them in the past, in most cases I see my own failure in enlightening them.
I have done enough. That’s just me talking, I really have nothing to say in the matter, but I have no desires of conquest. I intend to spend some time volunteering at the Brain Injury rehabilitation center down the road, I recall an ability to communicate with the non-verbal. I haven’t expected a long future for some time, but I can do my best with the days that present themselves. Who knows? Maybe I will fulfill my genetic predisposition and go another forty years. Time will continue, and all of this will eventually be meaningless.