Hurt

I like this video for a number of reasons. It’s hard not to be a fan of a family member, and one tied so close by genetics creates a special bond. When I watched this video for the first time, after getting over the shock of Johnny covering a Nine Inch Nails track, I was taken by the resemblance to my father. Over the years people have commented that he looks like Johnny, but I would always have a classic image of each of them in my mind and didn’t see the resemblance. The video, containing images through the years, was like paging through a family album, and I watched my father age before my eyes.

Then there’s the lyrics. I had a friend once who identified me through the last line of the first stanza. It’s true, “But I remember everything”. Johnny’s delivery of that line illustrates the pain of remembrance, There is so much I wish I could forget. Not just the horrible things, but also some of the happy things that are now out of sync with reality. The joy and love of someone you cared for who later betrayed you is better forgotten, it just makes the betrayal sting more.

At this point in my life, I feel a great deal of hurt. I have given everything, all of myself in every measure. There is nothing left but the pain. My friends have died or moved on , my children have discarded me, the love of my life has died, and the person I placed my trust and love into has decided there is nothing she needs from me anymore. I was feeling I couldn’t fix anything after Emma died, and then I found this unhappy person and thought I might be able to fix her, But there is nothing that I can do other than leave.

I feel that nothing I have done has made a difference. That’s just depression, I know the changes I have made, the lives that I have touched, even the growth within myself. None of that means anything to me right now, there is one thing that makes living bearable, and that has been taken away. If I had lost Emma twenty years ago, maybe I would believe that I could start over one more time. Instead I can just be thankful for these last four years and the good times within them, bonus years I didn’t really deserve.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

In my entire life, I have been in love twice, and I know that I have been loved at least once. That’s enough. So that’s it. Last post, thanks for reading.

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One comment on “Hurt

  1. Mike R says:

    Blake, it is hard to know that you are suffering and there is little I can do to help. Words are but words and cannot replace the presence of a friend over a beer or cup of coffee. A friend just willing to sit and be there with you. Words mean little at such times, I’ve learned.

    The video is one I saw before but had forgotten. What a potent version. I have suffered from depression most of my life, being free only for brief periods of time. My mother said I was depressed even as a child, although nobody used that term back then.

    I can relate to your feelings and experiences. Were it not for a belief that God is sovereign and loving I am not sure how I would deal with memories of betrayal and grief. All I have ever wanted in a relationship was to give myself fully to someone, whatever that means. Why does it forever elude me?

    The only joy I can find in your words at the moment is your memory of your joy with Emma, a joy that is very bittersweet as you live with her loss.

    You have been a great friend to me over the years through your words, from times on Classmates, I think, to times on Facebook, and through your blog. Thank you. You made a difference in my thinking and I needed that. You were one of those who I knew was always transparent and open . .. non-judgmental. I have so needed to learn how to be non-judgemental but didn’t have a good mentor. You were one who filled that role. I’ve still to much to learn, but I have taken steps in the right direction.

    I often tell my brothers in Christ that I am the classic neurotic Christian, never able to fully accept the true love of God. I have no doubt that I am loved by him, but not having been on the receiving end of that in this life very often, I suppose I have trouble with understudying love. I’m in no way, in my words, wishing to blame others for all of my problems. Sometimes I wonder if I blame God, down deeply.

    I don’t like the comment, “I will pray for you” because it is too often thrown around insincerely. But you will be in my prayers as soon as I finish this bit of writing.

    As my life enters into the final act I can say that God has never forsaken me, despite my confused self. I know that the balm for my disease is accepting my identity in Christ and dwelling upon who he is and what he has done for me. Easy to say, but hard to do in this body of flesh. There is still a fleshly heart in me that desires love from other earthly hearts. Perhaps such would be very bad for me, spiritually and that is why God has directed my life in the manner that he has. Perhaps he wishes to fashion me in the image of Christ whose disciples abandoned him at the critical hour but never ceased loving them. Maybe my desire for earthly feelings is selfish. Only God knows.

    I hope that your heart is attended by the good memories in the time ahead. I can’t imagine the pain that you are in making that very easy.

    Time to pray.

    Liked by 1 person

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