Happy Health Insurance Hotline

I don’t have health insurance. I don’t want to have health insurance. I don’t trust doctors, they have caused me more pain than relief.

Nonetheless, as an American citizen, I am required by law to sign up for health insurance. Were I single, it wouldn’t be a problem, I have no income and thus don’t file income tax, which is the only way the government can prosecute me for exercising my freedom of choice. That’s the funny thing about this administration. You have the right to choose as long as you choose what they tell you to choose.

My wife does file an income tax return, so unless we can figure out a way to declare me as a dependent so she can file as “Head of Household”, we’ll have to file a joint return or face a tax rate penalty.

So I went to the Wonderful Worldwide Web healthcare site, and although Healthcare.gov is linked to every government data base, they couldn’t get the NSA to verify who I was, even though they were watching me as I typed. Instead, they wanted a more trustworthy institution, The New Jersey department of motor vehicles. The New Jersey department of motor vehicles is a stickler for proper identification. After we married, they wouldn’t change Lieve’s name on her driver’s license, even after Social Security had changed her name to mine. They wanted it officiated by the Department of Homeland Security. I’ve never felt as safe as I do living in New Jersey.

The nice folks at Healthcare.gov gave me a bar code to print out, which would identify my documents with my healthcare file. I was amazed how clever this was. So I made photocopies of my drivers license and mailed them off with the bar code.

Two months later when I was hearing about how healthcare.gov had been fixed, I went back to the website. They still didn’t know who I was. They were able to accept digital copies of documents, so I uploaded my drivers license and social security card. Still nothing.

Now it’s January, and being the good citizen I am I gave it another try. I’ve been accused of having a dissociative personality thanks to parents who graced me with an unacceptable name, so I tried using a couple of different variations. It appears I do not exist. I may need healthcare to cover the emotional damage this episode has caused.

Today the website said I had exhausted the allowance of attempts to verify my identity online, so if I wanted I could upload my documents again. Wouldn’t that be on line? I tried to upload anyway, but it wouldn’t take the documents. Then a box popped up and asked if I’d like online chat assistance. Why not?

BrianaC was there to help me! I explained the problem. A few minutes later I asked if she was still there. She responded that this was an online chat and I would need to call the 800 number. I’m not sure what we were supposed to chat about, apparently something other than healthcare. At least she didn’t give me a 900 number to call.

I called the 800 number, and the most pleasant young man with a Southern accent answered. I thought maybe the NSA would be listening in and would just verify my identity, but they didn’t want to break cover.

First he wanted my ID number, but wasn’t sure where it would be on the website. I didn’t have anything else to do, so I stayed on the phone with him while he accessed my account. After trying everything he could think of, he said “Oh, I just got a message, we’re having trouble with the website”.

He must have hung up, he wasn’t there when I picked the phone off the floor. I was laughing so hard I just dropped it.

I am not worried. How can they prosecute me if I don’t exist?

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8 comments on “Happy Health Insurance Hotline

  1. Mari Collier says:

    I had to Tweet that one. It was hilarious (I’m a senior citizen so the Affordable Care Act does not apply) from reading it. It sounds like someone who earns a living as a satirist would have written it. My sympathies over the entire frustrating experience. Just think of the thousands (or more) caught in the same loop. I do not understand how this law could possibly remain on the books, but it will.

    Like

    • kblakecash says:

      I feel sincerely sorry for those people who thought they were receiving affordable healthcare, and then found out that “affordable” was being interpreted by someone making $175k a year plus free healthcare and perks.

      Like I said, I don’t want health insurance, so from my point of view, I had the plan I liked. I haven’t seen a doctor in years.

      Like

  2. Lorelei Bell says:

    Well, yeah. There’s a thought. You just say “prove I exist” when they do try to haul your ass to jail.
    I’m tweeting as I write this. I’m furious about this. Took me two days of dealing with Blue Cross/Shield, and now I have to phone them again. I do not want to talk to them again! Each time I do it’s an hour or more of my day wasted!

    Like

    • kblakecash says:

      As described on a program about medical billing last week, charges are based on expenses that are not billed, which was the excuse for $3000.00 sutures. It seems I should be able to bill the government for the time I have wasted on this project, at a rate reflecting other “unbillable” expenses.

      My hourly rate runs around $25k

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  3. I’m just sitting here shaking my head <>. Why anyone thought/thinks that our HUGE HEAVY government will be able to administer this beast in an orderly and efficient manner is/has been beyond me. I guess the old saying, ‘You get what you pay for’, or in this case, ‘You get who you voted for’, will never be more true. God help us.

    Like

    • MIke R says:

      You comment reminded me of a great quote by H.L. Mencken: “Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.”

      Like

  4. MIke R says:

    The cost of a fine will be far less than the cost of the insurance premium. And, with ObamaCare, they cannot refuse you if you end up needing insurance desperately due to a horrible condition like cancer. You are a healthy fellow. If they have the gall to charge a penalty, it will be far less than the premium you would have to pay.

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  5. MIke R says:

    This “law” is the segue into a land without law. The President has already unlawfully modified the law several times. Congress has failed to hold him in check. The future looks very dim. Healthcare will the be the least of our concerns.

    Like

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